Pokemon Spotlight: Crawdaunt

We all know that Crawdaunt is great. But exactly why it’s so great has remained an inscrutable mystery for years now.

Well, from this day forward you may consider the mystery fully scruted! By joining forces with a crack team of Pokemon researchers, we here at The Hoot Booth have discovered the secrets of Crawdaunt’s skull-exploding greatness. In the spirit of science, we now invite the Pokemon community to examine our findings below. We hope that you find them both entertaining and educational.

Twenty-Two Reasons Why Crawdaunt is the Greatest Pokemon of All Time

1. Lobsters Rule

2. Evil Lobsters rule EVEN MORE

HE'LL FUCKIN CUT YA, BITCH

3. “Crawdaunt” is an excellent use of assonance

4. The name “Crawdaunt” is both clever and euphonic

Crawdaunt: So classy, he can drink tea without hands, or a mouth

5. It can learn Crabhammer, the greatest Water move hands down

6. Say it with me, “Crabhammer”

7. Doesn’t it just make you want to SMASH stuff with your MIGHTY CLAWS

Pictured: About to bringeth down a Crabhammer of BIBLICAL PROPORTIONS

8. Pokedex entry from Emerald: “A brutish Pokémon that loves to battle. A veteran Crawdaunt that has prevailed in hundreds of battles has giant pincers marked with countless scars.” BADASS

FOOLISH WINGULL, A FLIMSY CAGE WILL NOT PROTECT YOU FROM CRAWDAUNT

9. Water/Dark is an awesome type combo

10. Anything/Dark is an awesome type combo

11. Crawdaunt consistently fails to give a fuck about anything

12. Pop quiz: Crawdaunt is not affected by

a) Psychic attacks
b) Remorse
c) Your bullshit
d) All of the above

Correct answer: CRABHAMMER

FACT: Crawdaunts do not have trainers, only people that they will tolerate for marginally longer periods of time than most. For example, do you see how pissed off this Crawdaunt is right now? If that bald asshole back there runs his fool mouth for one more goddamned second, he is about to get CUT THE FUCK IN HALF

13. It is said that Crawdaunt has a haunting and beautiful singing voice

14. Unfortunately anyone who hears a Crawdaunt singing is immediately decapitated by Guillotine, so this one remains unverified for now

Crawdaunts are rough, tough, and violent, but as you can see here, they are nevertheless subtle creatures who are capable of a wide variety of emotions

15. Crawdaunt pisses thunder and bleeds majesty

16. I’d like to point out that it takes serious balls to piss thunder when you’re weak to Electric

17. IT’S AN EVIL GODDAMN LOBSTER

A Crawdaunt always knows when it's time to kill, and when it's just time to CHILL

18. During the filming of the Pokemon television series, Crawdaunt was portrayed by Viggo Mortensen, because he is the only living actor capable of matching Crawdaunt’s sheer ruggedness

19. The decision was also influenced by the fact that the film A History of Violence (which featured Mr. Mortensen in the starring role) was a big hit with Crawdaunts everywhere, due largely to the relevant subject matter

20. Like real lobsters, Crawdaunts are omnivores and eat primarily fish, mollusks, and certain aquatic plants. However, if none of these are available, they must rely on their secondary food source: human hearts.

21. Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin was tossed into the ocean as an infant and raised by a tribe of Crawdaunts, explaining everything

22. CRABHAMMER

(credit for images 7 and 8 goes to The Blue Pangolin and purplekecleon, respectively, of DeviantArt)

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About toastybiggins

This guy? He's alright.

Posted on September 15, 2011, in Pokemon Spotlight and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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