One day, I’m going to find the Record Exchange employee who told me to buy Final Fantasy: Mystic Quest for the Super Nintendo, back when I was nine. He’d be in his early thirties, now. I will corner him in an abandoned alleyway.
“You said it would be ‘LIKE ZELDA!'”
I will shout as my fist connects with his mandible.
The hallowed ground you desecrated with your rank betrayal.
Then I will stand him back up by his lapels, saying
“You thought you could sell me…”
slam into brick wall
“a BABY’S GAME? By telling me it was LIKE ZELDA? Do I LOOK”
“Like a BABY”
knee to breadbasket
I can't believe I spent a whole month's allowance on this garbage
“You wanna know what my first SNES game was?”
hurl into some trashcans, clang
“SUPER GHOULS ‘N GHOSTS! While most kids were still dicking around with adverbs in READER RABBIT, I had to save the princess in my goddamn boxer shorts…TWICE!”
That's not a very nice way of asking someone to save the world.
“I have no stomach for your putrid electronic PABLUM! I wasn’t raised on no Final Fantasy IV Easytype HORSESHIT!”
I bet you even went through the trouble of importing this abomination, just so you could sell it to unsuspecting American kids. You monster.
He curls into a ball on the ground, no longer having the will to stand.
He understands the damage he did to my childhood. He knows that he deserves this. He always knew this day would come, just as I did.
Jumping outside of cutscenes? In a Final Fantasy game? HERESY (yeah I'm looking at you, XIII)
“No, I’m the one who’s sorry. Sorry I ever had to play Mystic Quest. By any chance…do you remember what the four towns were called? Where they kept the four elemental crystals?”
kick to solar plexus
“and last but not least…FIREBURG!”
lift bodily and throw into a dumpster, the lid slams shut.
At this point I am handcuffed by the police officers who have arrived on the scene.
Hey JRPG fans, can you tell which element goes with which crystal? Haha, just kidding. They all contain the power of elemental BULLSHIT. Especially the red one.
“You have the right to remain silent…”
Still screaming as they load me onto the paddywagon,
“WHICH ELEMENT DO YOU THINK FIREBURG WAS?”
“…anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law…”
“I BET IT WAS WATER-”
doors slam, sirens wailing, fade to black.
In retrospect, I probably should have just traded it back in for store credit.